Week 1 (?)

It's Tuesday again. Which means that tonight is Biggest Loser night. GO TEAM PAT! This also means it is almost 1 week since I went in to the doctor. I have been spending this week doing the following things:

1. Trying to make healthier choices with my food

2. Homework

3. Praying

I would have said working, however, this week I didn't do much of that. Instead we went to the beach for Joleigh's birthday party and a big friends weekend. It was fabulous.. but quite a tough location for trying to make positive food choices. There were a lot of snacks.. a lot of delicious meals. Including some KILLER biscuits and gravy and AMAZING fettuccini alfredo. Dear me. Oh Man. Tough. I think throughout the weekend I did pretty good. I had a couple of fail moments, but it could have been a lot worse. I will call it successful since I definitely thought about my choices and made different choices than I likely would have prior.

So, #1 success.

Homework was such a struggle. I keep thinking to myself, Am I really ready for grad school? Ugh. It feels like so much of this stuff is over my head. Then on Monday night I went to class. I ended up getting lost in Portland on the way there, and lost in Portland on the way back. But in the middle.. I went to class. And I actually felt like I kind of understood what was going on.. at least, I think I understood it as well as my peers in the class. However, I still have not tackled my online class work yet. That is planned for today/tonight.

#2 partial success

This week has also had a lot of prayer. I am really trying to stay focused on God through all this and take his strength to make it through. What has become really apparent to me is that I need to be back as part of "the Body". I need to be part of a group where I am getting Christian help, prayer and perspective. Trying to do this all on my own just doesn't feel like it is working too well. I also spent some time this week and downloaded 2 albums from Christian bands so that I can try to increase the productivity of my drive time by using it to worship and focus on God. New bands I am listening to include Gundor and Needtobreath. Finding Christian music that sounds like the indy bands I love is tough.

#3.. success. :) Probably most most successful success of the week.

Next week.. more food choices.. adding in exercise.. staying caught up on homework (yikes) and continuing with the prayer (prayer and more prayer).

The big day (dun dun dun)

On Monday September 26th I got a call from the Bariatric Surgery Center in Salem letting me know that they had a cancellation and now had an appointment open for Wednesday September 28th. I took it. Tuesday night I watched Patrick dominate on BL and felt ready to go for Wednesday. Wednesday morning I got all dressed up and headed in to the doctor, feeling completely ready.

For the most part, I don't realize or remember during my average day, how big I actually am. This whole process of finding out about the weight loss surgery has been really tough in that it is a constant reminder of how big I really am. That I am killing myself with food. I am in the process of committing food-icide. The meeting with the doctor was rough. Weigh-ins, pictures and then.. dun dun dun.. the doctor. Everybody was so nice, but one question they kept bringing up to me was "are you sure you want to do Lap Band and not by-pass?". Well. Yea. I'm sure. Right?

Dr. Boulay ran some numbers for me. I weighed in at the office at 319 pounds. Qualifying myself perfectly for the surgery. With the LB I can anticipate losing 50% of my excess weight, or about 90-110 pounds. Maybe I can get under 200 in 2 years.. maybe. But even 50 pounds they would count as a success. With Gastric Bypass I can expect to lose 75% or so of my excess weight, or between 100-150 pounds. So.... which to do? In my head I have this fantasy of finally losing all the weight and being a size 14. I lie. In the fantasy I am way more of a size 8 than a 14. So the thought of going through all this and only getting down to a size 16 breaks my heart. I know it isn't all about sizes, but in my fantasy world (which takes place in a Banana Republic store) I am little. That's what I want. But I don't really want the full By-Pass. That prospect scares me.

I left the doctor's office feeling totally defeated and overwhelmed. But what made me the most nervous was the incredible urge that I had to just push all this "diet" non-sense to the side and go get a Big Mac from McDonalds. I felt like that was going to make me feel better. Who thinks like that? The cure to deciding how much weight to lose is a Big Mac? It makes no logical sense at all. It reminded me of all the times I think I have come close to losing weight, and then freaked out and stopped. I certainly have a food problem for sure.

So I went back to work, after the appointment. I debriefed with my good friend Holly and then had the lunch I had packed. Lentils, brown rice and fat-free split pea soup. It was certainly no Big Mac. But strangely, it was also quite satisfying....

The Work Plan

The game plan for tomorrow.. and each day after that (one day at a time) is to structure my day around prayer. I need to prayerfully focus myself multiple times throughout the day. Focus on God, ask for His strength, and use that focus to cut out the procrastination and bad habits that are going to surely sabotage my success.

Tonight's meditation...

Dear Lord. In all Your wisdom, You have lead me to this presopis that I stand on right now. I am faithful that You have placed me right where you want me. I am forever greatful for all that I have gone through to this point in my life. My failure will make Your success even more miraculous. Let my day tomorrow be an honor to you. Let me be prayerfully focused tomorrow. Father I give you this moment. I give you this life, crumbled and in a heap. I am asking that you construct it into an alter to Your glory. I am so blessed to be so broken and so thankful to be so full of Your hope.

The Remodel Plan

First of all, this is not a cosmetic remodel. This is a complete demolition, down to the studs, and build it back up situation.

The first step is moving back in with mom & pop. Just the contemplation of this change makes me overwhelmed with emotion. Living at home, towards the end, was not always a really enjoyable situation. The other part of it is the utter shame that I feel by having to move back in with my parents. It seems like such a sign of failure. How can I have graduated with a degree and not make enough to even pay rent? So that's the emotional side of it. On the other hand, it is an amazing opportunity to really strip things down, get rid of all of this economic baggage, and try to rebuild things right. I also am really hopeful that I can be a help to them around the house and farm.

The second part of the remodel is weight loss surgery. This I am going to address in more detail in another post.. there is so much to say. So much. I started this endeavor by attending an informational meeting in July. After much work to try and make myself "eligible" in the eyes of the insurance companies, I finally have an appointment set with the surgeon for October 17th. Big part of this is that I have to maintain the weight I am right now until that day. After all the time I have spent putting off these changes, this feels like a really excruciating couple of weeks. I am the biggest I have ever been, the most uncomfortable I have ever been, and probably very close to being the least confident I have ever been. As soon as the surgeon appointment happens, it's all game on. It's like having all of the supplies and labor sitting there, but waiting to get the permit approved before you can begin. It feels rather miserable and frustrating.

The third part, regarding my professional life, is the start of grad school classes... tomorrow. Six credits of Public Administration classes at PSU. My body has an overwhelming sense of "Yikes" coursing through it's veins.

The fourth part in some ways feels the smallest because it is the least stressful, but it is by far the most important. I feel completely confident that the absolute only way I am going to make it through this with any degree of success is by being completely dependent on God for my strength. I have tried each of these on their own without being reliant on God and it has ended in relative failure, leading to my current situation. I keep wondering, if I coudln't do one at a time.. how can I do all of this at the same time? I can't. But God can. My only confidence is that God has placed me in this spot, and in all His wisdom He knows that I can do it. With Him.

Cha-cha-cha-changes

It is Sunday night... 9:11 pm. I can't seem to get past the idea that tomorrow my life will be changing. So tonight, just as I did last year at this time, I am sitting around thinking about what life will be like. Last year, 41 weeks pregnant I thought my life was going to turn upside down. In some ways it has over the last year. The addition of a little girl has been quite the adventure. But in so many ways, things have remained the same. The changes I hoped I would make, I haven't made. Life has piled up. Tomorrow I am starting the 180 in my life. Tonight I hang up the yellow "caution" tape and put on my hard hat. My life will be under construction for the next few years.

It's kind of like that show "extreme home makeover". Right now, my life is that dilapadated house. Full of love and care, but shabby, inefficient, and not meeting the needs of my family. Here are the areas that are currently in disrepair.

First, my body. At 307 pounds, I am uncomfortable, unhealthy and just plain sad. My joints are doing poorly, my clothes fit tight, and I get a miserable night of sleep each night.

Second, my finances. This is a two pronged problem. First, I am in a crazy amount of debt from student loans and a couple credit cards (mostly student loans). Secondly, I spend money without much control or accountability. Together it creates a problem that is both incredibly stressful and also emotionally taxing.

Third, my professional life. Right now, I have a job that has crazy hours and extreme stress. I can't see myself doing this for a very long time. The only way of getting a better job is to get a better education. Also, my job performance is rather lack-luster. It could use a spruce up.

Fourth, my spiritual life. Since the birth of Joleigh my relationship with Christ has really grown. But it is not where it needs to be. I am finding my own spiritual self, but I am still not a Godly leader for my family or community.