On Monday September 26th I got a call from the Bariatric Surgery Center in Salem letting me know that they had a cancellation and now had an appointment open for Wednesday September 28th. I took it. Tuesday night I watched Patrick dominate on BL and felt ready to go for Wednesday. Wednesday morning I got all dressed up and headed in to the doctor, feeling completely ready.
For the most part, I don't realize or remember during my average day, how big I actually am. This whole process of finding out about the weight loss surgery has been really tough in that it is a constant reminder of how big I really am. That I am killing myself with food. I am in the process of committing food-icide. The meeting with the doctor was rough. Weigh-ins, pictures and then.. dun dun dun.. the doctor. Everybody was so nice, but one question they kept bringing up to me was "are you sure you want to do Lap Band and not by-pass?". Well. Yea. I'm sure. Right?
Dr. Boulay ran some numbers for me. I weighed in at the office at 319 pounds. Qualifying myself perfectly for the surgery. With the LB I can anticipate losing 50% of my excess weight, or about 90-110 pounds. Maybe I can get under 200 in 2 years.. maybe. But even 50 pounds they would count as a success. With Gastric Bypass I can expect to lose 75% or so of my excess weight, or between 100-150 pounds. So.... which to do? In my head I have this fantasy of finally losing all the weight and being a size 14. I lie. In the fantasy I am way more of a size 8 than a 14. So the thought of going through all this and only getting down to a size 16 breaks my heart. I know it isn't all about sizes, but in my fantasy world (which takes place in a Banana Republic store) I am little. That's what I want. But I don't really want the full By-Pass. That prospect scares me.
I left the doctor's office feeling totally defeated and overwhelmed. But what made me the most nervous was the incredible urge that I had to just push all this "diet" non-sense to the side and go get a Big Mac from McDonalds. I felt like that was going to make me feel better. Who thinks like that? The cure to deciding how much weight to lose is a Big Mac? It makes no logical sense at all. It reminded me of all the times I think I have come close to losing weight, and then freaked out and stopped. I certainly have a food problem for sure.
So I went back to work, after the appointment. I debriefed with my good friend Holly and then had the lunch I had packed. Lentils, brown rice and fat-free split pea soup. It was certainly no Big Mac. But strangely, it was also quite satisfying....
No comments:
Post a Comment